This blog post is a spiritual successor to my Untitled Unmastered post. This entry will be dealing more with what I have been dealing the past few weeks and the circumstances around Untitled Unmastered. Hello audience whom I assume is majority family, possible friends and one stranger. Hy is my girlfriend I have known her for about two months now “April 7th.” This post is not supposed to be about how I met or anything like that. It is intended to be the weird inside outside look on the situation in the forms of various topics. This is me trying to be my therapist and get things off my chest things I thought about a lot. I do apologize in advance for the way I must present the topic as it may come off informal, but I rather have the time to make sure everything comes off clear and concise as possible.
Mom, Dad, Aunts, Uncles and Grandparents you are all the reason I have been able to extend my stay and to that I am sorry for not telling you the 100 percent truth up front. Yes, it is still true that I wanted to stay here longer to experience Korea without the shackles of education weighing me down, but it was also because of her. There was already a flame lit but, staying with her was the gasoline that ignited the fire in a wildfire of determination. The reason it took so long to say anything to you all is the fear I felt. For what you might say and this was before the extended stay. I love you all (here comes the but) but I always felt (based off past experiences) that if I were not to date a black girl or at least one of dark complexion. She or I would not be accepted as apart the family (anymore) or deal with the conversations that come with you not dating inside your race. Whether it be her or some future girlfriend, I don’t want them to be judged based on the color of their skin. Although I know my family you are a loving, caring group of people and I wouldn’t be able to be here longer if it weren’t for you all. Just those assumed comments I fear……
They, for the most part, have all been pretty accepting of it from here to people back home. They all are some form of happy for me. They just all ask the same thing what of the future? They say the long distance doesn’t work out well and what about all the people you meet when you come back, are you going to halt a part of your life for a girl in another country? And to that, I agree, but it doesn’t mean I want to end all ties and yet no one is saying that either. I think it’s that weird us against the world motif I’m currently going through. I rather not put either of us through that strain of keeping this going. When I get back, I wouldn’t want to be anything beyond friends. I know even that will be hard because it hard just to turn things on and off like that. I don’t think we as humans are made like that. Life goes on, and we will hopefully heal because as life brought us together, life doses it often for another.
Life and Times
Time has been a major factor in our relationship. It may also be the reason why I sometimes feel like our relationship is on steroids. Trying to make sure we shove in as much in the time we have together. Although we have known for the longest that the day would come, and I would have to leave. So we have always been aware of that, but it’s getting more stressful as it gets closer, but the crazy thing is that I still have a full 30 days left. That’s a super short/long time it’s one-twelfth of a year! We have both been acting like tomorrow is my last day. We try and keep each other in high spirits but, when the conversation sides into that territory we both become relatively somber fairly quick. I tell her often that she changed my experience here. I became an integrated part of her life which meant seeing her friends and family going to her favorite restaurants. Even regardless of a relationship status. I would have enjoyed her presence as just friends cause to me she’s that fantastic of a person to be around. What we say a lot is that regardless of the future we had this time together it is imprinted into our lives, and no one can take our time or memories away from us.
I will cry, I will be hurt I know it there’s no way around it. Sorry parents I will most likely be saddened when I see you, it’s not your fault, though. I told her I want to ride this relationship out until we “crash” at the end. She’s told me she will see me in the states in the upcoming years. I believe her. I told her I would do that same. Look I know how grandiose and empty gesture it seems, but I don’t want “this” to end. I don’t want my life to be I went to South Korea came back and never left the United States again, nor this is the only time I will spend with this person in my life. I know people change we all do but never seeing a person again just doesn’t sit right with me. If you read my prior post. It was already in my mind to figure out how to join the global job market. Figure out ways not to just a long time visitor but a legitimate resident.
It’s mostly just a fear thing. Once I’m home in the states, there’s no seeing her instantly that option is now gone to me, and I will have to cope with that. It’s not just her the environment I have lived in have considered my home for the last four months will drastically change. Here I could walk out of my dorm and to a fast food restaurant and back in less than 20 minutes, but home it might take up to 45m-1hrs to complete a whole trip by car. It’s that lack of “independence” ( the act of having own space) and going back to it will hurt me as well.
I don’t think this was anything to do with “yellow fever.” It was just a connection, but I sometimes wonder the what if’s? The reason I hung out with so often originally was because I would go to these school club events and be the odd man out the foreigner that couldn’t speak. Although, I could talk to her, and she knew what I was going through being she’s gone overseas and dealt with that same awkward, lonely feeling. We connect through that mutual understanding and both having the ability to speak English, but what if I could speak Korean and didn’t find someone who spoke English that day I got “lost”? What if I never met her? Would my drive to come back not be as strong as it is now? I don’t think I will ever know, but as my mother told me recently, we never know what the future holds.
I wanted to get as much out there before the “last 30” because one I want the family to process this, and I was well. I don’t want to have to do this as a retrospect after I get back when there’s no longer a chance to see her. Although this post is majorly fueled by my emotions, I still wanted it to have a logical sense of flow to it. A written work I could return too to make sure this is what I wanted to say. I have been treating all these days as my last when they aren’t I need to enjoy the time I have with her and that’s that. I feel like a mad man after writing this all. Like why would you put all this time in an effort for someone you just met and I can’t truly answer that? That’s the real yet sad beauty of study abroad or extended stays you effectively are in people’s lives long enough to affect them. You are not just a passing face in the sea of humans in the world they will be able to spot you. It now then becomes how will you keep this going when you are no longer swimming in the same sea?