Things don’t change, the frustration I feel is the same I felt when I originally applied for the study abroad program. I find it ironic that the same “social media will be the downfall of me” mentality I had last year is still the same. Change happens, but to varying degrees. I look at social media and see friends, people I know and internet people just traveling going places and do things I want to do and I’m just stuck and that sinking feeling just deepens now that I have graduated. There’s the feeling that graduating instantly changes things that I now need to do something with my life. I know, I know this sound like I am rambling and it’s true, but with recent things that have gone on in my personal life has gotten me a little off balance. Although still need to move through. The goal is now to go to Japan it’s always where I wanted to go since I was a youth and I spent the last two years learn the language and will continue to via online tutoring in hopefully preparation of the trip I am planning to take later this year if I can afford it. I want to go in October because it’s the cheapest for tickets and also the month of my birthday. I want to stay long enough to explore but, that dose not really fit the core of how life works to me. Jobs really only allow for a 1-2 weeks off and I can’t justify that amount of money I worked and saved for to be used for that limited amount of time, so I must revise the plan find a new job where I can take a gap before starting to go explore my dream location. It’s not like I don’t want to grow up, it’s more like let me celebrate the end of an era the way I want to. It seems all life is added responsibilities the older you get and never really time to relax from it all. Let me relax, let me escape even if it is only for a little while. I know some how this sounds like the whiny complaints of the middle class, it probably is, but it’s the impasse I’ve currently come to in my life and I stated that anything related to my attempts to get back overseas I would discuss so here it is.
Not so Brief Note: My LDR with HY didn’t work out. When you look at things through a negative lens you could have said it was “Designed to Fail” but my mother told me sometimes things don’t work out and people just come into your life for a season. Whether she meant TV or Weather changes happen in both and that’s the major understanding from it. She was a wonderful person and i’ll never forget her or what she did for me in Seoul or how she came to see me in March, but everyone moves to the beat of their own drum and ours weren’t syncing up. It hurts, like what I assume all love dose when it’s lost, but you can’t stay down forever. I’ll pick myself up and like the title says Revise my plan for what is now best for me. I will use what from what I learned through this experience to move on and be a even better person for the next person I meet. Like what Andre 3000 said in his OutKast song prototype “I hope that you’re the one/ if not you are the prototype.” If anyone were to find this and are in a LDR stick with it if you are both willing to reach that goal of togetherness once again. We did and that’s why I saw her in march and had a wonderful time. I just wish I wasn’t so in my head about the amount of time I had left with her, like my mom also said is to enjoy the time now, cause don’t know when it might happen again. I guess that’s why parents are parents (mostly). Just things change….
All the post from last year referencing her will stay and become what they have been a time capsule of my thoughts and feelings of our time together, because she was a big part of my Seoul experience and that would involve deleting a majority of my posts so they stay as reminders and memories of the past.
I’m still holding on to the past, to a life that is no longer my current reality. I didn’t live there, but lived there long enough to have started a life and have it ripped away from me. Now I go through my daily routines holding on to these memories trying to constantly recreate them in my head as nothing to me currently holds any weight. I think I’m going insane. Sometimes, I wish I never went, but never do I regret it. I’m weighed down by my past so scared to lose the ones I love and the ones I cared about. To never see anyone or Korea again. I think about it alot, but that special blend of experiences could only happen once. I should be glad that it did. The memories, the people, the place have all changed me to become a better man. Because of Korea and my friends I want to work as hard as I can to see the world again. Although, to see the world again this will happen again where I’m feeling like this. is not worth it to experience all life has to offer? Even if it comes with some pain? I’m hurt more than I ever could be currently just wishing what I have I could hold on to only for a little bit longer. It’s like the 5 more minutes you ask your mother to stay in bed and dream because you feel safe there, you don’t want to deal with the day, you don’t want to deal with reality. But, it’s time to wake up and it’s time to face reality and move forward. No one said you have to give up on these memories there apart of you. The experiences in that time and place, that can’t ever be erased from life’s history, yours or any of the people you were with. You can’t live your life in the past though. I know that now, but it was nice to dream, you know ? Well I guess it’s time to wake up I’ve probably been sleeping wake to
long. Wake up, wake up, wake up……
The end of a wonderful dream.
During my emotional distress of the last week in Seoul. I had difficulty finishing some posts. Although there weren’t many here are these unfinished posts. I wanted to keep them this way as they are a time stamp on what was going on in my mind at that current time.
[Original Monthly Report] Hi, Hello, well I haven’t done this in….let me check, The last monthly report was May 25th so roughly 5 weeks ago. I’ve been slacking on getting out the Monthly Report, but this last month has been one to remember finishing up school saying goodbyes to new friends, questioning the amount of month I have been given to be here (Sorry Mom & Dad).
[Words Written From the Airport] I felt the need to express this less than an hour before i leave korea. I don’t know anymore is there a term for being extremely sad but okay with everything. I talked to my best friend yesterday he told me be proud of all what i did here
Disclaimer: Wrote this a while back just now uploading this
I would say it has been difficult. It’s been about a week since returning. I and Hy are now in an LDR and we talk, text and video almost every day, but that’s for another post. I’m still working on my sleeping. Now I’ve been waking up at 4:30 so I’m getting closer to something normal. Although that’s not what this post is about. It’s more about me mentally since being back. I have this current mentality of okay, fine, cool this was fun, but when do I leave when do I return back to my normal life my abroad life? The novelty of being back in the states is starting to wear off, but that’s not how it works. The me that exists in the USA is my normal life or at least now currently. It’s been hard to adjust to that. Not to constantly bring up the drug analogy, but it’s basically being cut off cold turkey and having to deal with that. It’s like being placed in a metaphorical room alone to deal with the aftermath of the comedown, but your not alone you have family and friends who come and help out every once in a while. They’ve just haven’t experienced the same thing you have or at least you believe so. Although just like the theme of most of my posts. It will take time before I have the strength to leave this metaphoric room behind and keep moving forward in life. As my mother always says time/life stops for nobody.
Update: I feel a lot better now. I’m still fairly bored with my American life, yet I have new goals in mind to keep me motivated so wish me luck on keeping positive.
I knew coming back I would be asked the same questions over and over from people here’s a list
What time is it over there ?
Do you know any Korean (Read and Write) ?
Do they know any English ?
Are their American restaurants over there ?
Can your girlfriend speak English ?
How well can she speak English ?
Were you worried about North Korea ?
Did you wear one of those masks ?
And I try to answer them as nicely as possible, but it’s very draining on the psyche. You feel like to some of these questions people would have answers too like they are common sense. Yet it only seems like that because I were there. None of the questions were of ever any real concern about things in South Korea. Just what big old bad North and their scary ways. It usually upset me that’s all people are concerned about, but I have no room to say anything as I knew nothing of the culture before going. The pot calling the kettle black I guess….
Yung’s Log Seven Twenty One
Recently my focus has been on work, so I haven’t been able to update my logs as usual. Although it doesn’t mean I don’t have writings completed or more ideas to write. I just haven’t uploaded them for the mass consumption by human kind yet. I need to make sure they are cleared of all errors before releasing my words to the world. Thank You for being so patient.
It’s been two weeks since I have last “seen” my girlfriend Hy. If you can’t tell by the title or the fact I put the word seen in quotations. It means me and her are trying to have Long Distance Relationship. I felt like this was going to end up happening, as neither of us wanted to leave each other. So, we’re trying to make it work. I wish there was a magic formula or some type of rubric that could be followed so we could know how to do this, but there is not, so we just take it day by day. It’s just been interesting to know so many people have or are currently going through this and getting advice from them. The best advice I got was being able to stay independent. Not relying fully on them or needing someone else to fill that “hole” in your heart. I’m not going to lie the 1st few days were hard but it has gotten better. The key (for me) is just making sure to stay interested in one another and know even though they are far away that they are still as important in your life. The current title image is a screencap from a video I did for her with my friends. Right now I’m only sending her silly things I make on the computer, but soon I might ship a few things to her that will remind her of me. Although I think the most important thing is planning to see one another again It gives you something to look forward to even if it’s not in the near future. She always told me that I didn’t have to come back to South Korea to see her; that she would come to see me in America and I believe her. In these moments of LDR all, you really have is the truth behind your words and your belief in theirs. We’re no longer physically together so I have no clue what she does daily nor does she have any idea what I do daily. It’s just a hope and belief that their truth lines up with life’s reality. I will say it has not been an easy start with worries the other will find someone in their respective areas. A person that can be there fully because neither of us can currently. Although like I told her as long as we keep talking regularly and keep each other in our hearts and minds we’ll do fine, because that’s all we got right now. It’s like being on a metaphorical roller coaster and wanting to get off, but finding solace that someone you care for is right beside you going through the same thing even though there scared as well.
Hy has a pretty large social following and knowing that and being a millennial whose ego is connected to how many internet people admire his work got her to post it on her social media, and WOW it blow up. June has been the most view month with almost 500 views on my blog that’s bananas. The crazier thing is although most of them came from Korea there were places I didn’t even think of. They were all reading my tiny little blog. Still to this day South Korea views are higher than American views. Thank You all and thank you Hy. I hope some of you stay around to watch my journey continue.
So I wouldn’t say I’m crazy or religious, but sometimes I talk to the “universe.” It’s just kind of me looking up at the ceiling or sky and just saying stuff hoping that something or whatever will hear me and my words and sway me in the right direction of success. The other thing I like to do a lot is day dream, especially over-exaggerate dreams about things I want to happen like picking a winning lotto ticket from the ground or someone off the street offering me a job. In retrospect it seems like pretty basic stuff but, they usually involved around me staying longer. When I told her of all my silly fantasies, she said something along the lines of there’s no more magic because it was all used to bring us together. It brought me so much joy when she said that. I couldn’t tell her she’s a liar cause we all know if you still believe in magic there’s always some to spare. HEY UNIVERSE, GOD, AND ANYONE READING THIS do you have a job for me that would involve me going to South Korea, Japan or anywhere in East Asia? I am well verse in Adobe products such as Premier, Photoshop and after effects. I know how to blog, vlog and take photographs as seen on my Flickr. I’m well versed in stringing words together in a coherent fashion as seen on my blog. My grammar is sometimes lacking, but I get better with every writing. I’m also a friendly and personable person to be around Hy thinks I’m 99% perfect (most important to know), so you know I motivation to perform well because of her to stay longer. I’m just putting this out there. I’ll look forward to your offers. I can be reached at “NC2SK@gmail.com” (Fake) or “firstname.lastname@example.org” (Real)
So let me start off by apologizing as I was 15 days late with this one, but as it got closer to the end, it became increasingly hard to write these posts with my mind constantly on the “impending doom” right around the corner. I’m sorry once again if this was supposed to be a professional blog I could not allow my emotions deter me from getting my work done. Anyway, last month was filled with laughs and hardships. I cried for a week straight the week of finals. I think it was because it was the beginning of the end. The school was the largest chunk of time there and now that it’s over, all I had was 20 days left (19 because you can’t count the day you’re flying out). Those 20 days I did so much and so little. Week 1: was mostly spent hanging out with all from campus that were leaving that week so almost a farewell dinner each day. I also had a dinner with Hy and her roommate that was fun we ate at some local restaurants near there home, and I played in the nearby playground.I had also have convinced Sim (from the B.P.C.) to stay three extra days which was nice having him around. I saw him off at the airport subway line. One of the last few things he told me was he was “I’m going back in time to save the future.” Week 2: I walked around my area of the city Guro, which is a lot more residential compared to where Sogang in Sinchon was. It was a lovely area it just was annoying the stop it was on is one stop transfer, and the transfer is from the busiest subway stops. Somedays it was stressful being on a super packed train to go home. Sadly I had broke my camera, so I no longer have one, but Hy to the rescue let me use her’s. It was a DSLR I loved and hated it. My original camera was so small it could fit in my pocket, but the DLSR had to be worn around your neck coupled with the fact the I usually wore my backpack around the city I felt like a mega tourist. I also got sick for about three days and was stuck indoors which were not fun. Hy took me to the doctors and explained my situation the best way possible converting what I told her into Korean. the doctor sprayed something in my nose and mouth I was confused. Hy told me to stop complaining but, I just more confused because random sprays like that don’t happen in the states, but something that also doesn’t occur in the states is a cheap medical bill with no insurance. For the visit and medicine it all 25 dollars. She told me how last year she spent around 2000+ for a 4-hour stay in the hospital and a CT scan for food poisoning. I was like it would be for an American easier to fly overseas and get medical treatment at least that way you can see the world. Week 3: Was the hardest but still very fun at this point everyone I hung out with from campus was gone except my two friends Cl and Ty. Ty had just come back from Japan the week prior and needed a place to stay because he showed back up on a Friday, and all the hostels were packed. He would have been homeless for a night if it weren’t for me, so he chilled with me one night and got a hostel for the rest of his stay. I saw him and Cl once again Tuesday because it was Ty’s “final” day, so we walked around Hongdae for about 2 and a half hours looking for food. The reason it took so long is that I had already eaten, so I didn’t care where we went, and the other two couldn’t figure it out, so I was dragged along for the ride. one that I didn’t mind. This past Thursday, which was my last 24 hours I met up with CL to walk campus one last time. On a whim texted my two favorite people from the abyss club whom just happened to be on campus due to summer classes. We spent about any hour reminiscing about things that happened this semester it was grand. Then we finally all went our separate ways, and I met up with Hy where she took me to dinner, and we ended the night riding a bus up the same mountain that overlooks the city as we did on our 1st official date. Tears were around it was so special. My final day we woke up early got dressed skyped my parents and went to the post office to ship a large box although it was too large to send by boat, so we had to scramble and rearrange all the stuff into smaller boxes for boat shipping. After that, we taxied over to the airport subway line and talked about our future and handling being away from each other she told me she was going to see me next month which I was always on the fence until I see a ticket, but it was all I had to hold on to. we also talked about her fears of becoming a U.S. citizen, and I told her I would do my best to help her out and because all my family is Americans could be an excellent resource as well. She said that when American do “small talk” it’s an odd concept to grasp. We got to the airport and I checked in what I didn’t realize was there was no time left to sit and chat so when Hy said you have to go now I let out the most gut wrenching and sorrowful “NO.” We stood there and hugged and kissed and cried telling each other we would see each other next month and walked away where she waved at me until I was no longer visible in the security lines. On the plane ride home, I wrote a lot of things down, but the most important aspect to me was I was going to try my hardest to make things work “just because I’m not longer there doesn’t mean I will stop acting like your boyfriend.” After multiple flights, I got to hug my parents once more and thanked them multiple times for allowing me to have such an experience. I’ve already started sending tons of photos to Hy and messaging her. only time will tell what is next for us and me.
Other titles are: Two times the Crazy or Crazy X-Squared or Crazy X 2
I’ve only been back two days and have already started planning various ways of how to get overseas next year; It’s not possible right now. Being as my back account is somewhere between poor and dirt poor. Although it’s okay, I had gone to my job yesterday, so I could relearn a few things and show my passion for being back. While I was there, I joked with some of the long time members who knew me that “I spent everyone else money over there now it’s time to use my own to get back.” I thought about setting up one of those “Crowdfunding” Services to help my cause. I read a quote once somewhere on the internet that “how you get/stay rich is by using other people’s money,” And you know this blogger right here can spin his reality into the saddest of stories. A young man fresh out of South Korea having to Leave someone he considered “love” only to not know when they will meet again. I call it “compassionate begging,” but I rather not. There’s something about earning your money that makes it all worth it in the end you know? When I paid the school program, it was one of my proudest moments because I earned it with those long hours at the pool. Although I did set up a PayPal donation service whether or not I link it to my blog will be at my discretion. That’s all I have been thinking about is money because the soon I can get some is the sooner I can put it to “work.” I feel like an addict but motivated. For this to work I can’t be walking anymore I have to run, but only that but my fear is that will I burn out or the person whose currently fueling my fire will be they no longer want to see me. The only things I have currently in my mind is School, Japanese, Money, and Her. That’s what I’m working for until the then end of next year. Thankful my current job was kind enough to put me back on the schedule now that I’m back, but it’s a seasonal job I must figure out something to do for the school semester and so on. I have odd hours next semester so looking for something a little but flexible might be difficult, but difficult doesn’t mean impossible. Now here’s where the Double Down On Crazy part comes in. This Monday I plan to go to my study abroad office on campus and ask them if I can do the next year’s extensive summer language program in Japan as the one I am studying. I told a couple of people this, and they think I’m rather crazy (ergo the title), but I there’s no better time I’ll be fresh off of the language classes why not dive into the culture and keep it going? One of the Few things I’ve to Hy is right now it’s all just words to her, to me and anyone out there reading this, but at least it’s an idea that as been manifested all I got to do now is but it into action wish me luck. I will need all the positivity possible.